2006年12月19日
テニスをする意味
何のためにテニスをしているか、と言えば、勝ちたいからだ、と即答できるのだけれど。
その意味を深く突き詰めてしまう夜は、要らないことを考えすぎる。
昨日はコーチが私を責めるので、レッスンがつらかった。関わろうとしてくれているのだ、と思えばまだ救われるが、私の方は、「だったらもっと教えてよ」と言いたい気持ちを飲み込んだままなので、会話は擦れ違うばかりだった。
相対的に見て、私は上達している。そこを褒めてくれればいいのに。責める事はないだろうに。
コーチには、純粋なまま、というか、競技に関わり、勝ち負けの世界にいる人達特有の、正直さがあって、それを、美しいと思うこともできるし、一歩ひいて見てしまうところもある。
社会にいる多くの人は、そこまで人に近づかないし、そこまで人に関わらない。
なのに、その関わり方が、私を上達させよう、という意識だけで成り立っていないから、問題がいろいろ発生する事になる。
私は、ただ、勝てるようになりたいのだ。もっと上を目指したいのだ。
でもコーチは、他のコーチとの関係性や、コーチのクラスのメンバーとの関係性や、私の純粋度や、そういういろいろなことを物差しとして持っている。
その差が、時々不協和音となり、耳をふさいで布団にくるまったままで居たくなる夜を連れてくる。
私は、ただ、上達したい。
コーチは、教えたいだけではなく、職業であり、男性だ。
そして、今日のクラスのコーチは、本当につまらなかった。
１２月だとはいえ、１時間半、一面で６人のクラスで、汗を全くかかない事なんてあり得るだろうか。
どんどん体が冷えてきて、クラスの途中で早々にベンチコートを着込んでしまった。嫌味と受け取ってくれてもよかったのに、今日のコーチは、坦々とレッスンを続けていた。
コーチ一人が汗をかき、服を脱いでいた。
行かなければ良かったな、と思ってしまったレッスンだった。
他人にいろいろ求めず、自分がもっとしっかりと立っていられれば、私なりに有効な時間を使うこともできただろうに。
どうして私はこうなのだろう。
うまくいかないことへの不満を、コーチにすり替えようとしても、何も生み出さない事は、知っているつもりなのに。
その意味を深く突き詰めてしまう夜は、要らないことを考えすぎる。
昨日はコーチが私を責めるので、レッスンがつらかった。関わろうとしてくれているのだ、と思えばまだ救われるが、私の方は、「だったらもっと教えてよ」と言いたい気持ちを飲み込んだままなので、会話は擦れ違うばかりだった。
相対的に見て、私は上達している。そこを褒めてくれればいいのに。責める事はないだろうに。
コーチには、純粋なまま、というか、競技に関わり、勝ち負けの世界にいる人達特有の、正直さがあって、それを、美しいと思うこともできるし、一歩ひいて見てしまうところもある。
社会にいる多くの人は、そこまで人に近づかないし、そこまで人に関わらない。
なのに、その関わり方が、私を上達させよう、という意識だけで成り立っていないから、問題がいろいろ発生する事になる。
私は、ただ、勝てるようになりたいのだ。もっと上を目指したいのだ。
でもコーチは、他のコーチとの関係性や、コーチのクラスのメンバーとの関係性や、私の純粋度や、そういういろいろなことを物差しとして持っている。
その差が、時々不協和音となり、耳をふさいで布団にくるまったままで居たくなる夜を連れてくる。
私は、ただ、上達したい。
コーチは、教えたいだけではなく、職業であり、男性だ。
そして、今日のクラスのコーチは、本当につまらなかった。
１２月だとはいえ、１時間半、一面で６人のクラスで、汗を全くかかない事なんてあり得るだろうか。
どんどん体が冷えてきて、クラスの途中で早々にベンチコートを着込んでしまった。嫌味と受け取ってくれてもよかったのに、今日のコーチは、坦々とレッスンを続けていた。
コーチ一人が汗をかき、服を脱いでいた。
行かなければ良かったな、と思ってしまったレッスンだった。
他人にいろいろ求めず、自分がもっとしっかりと立っていられれば、私なりに有効な時間を使うこともできただろうに。
どうして私はこうなのだろう。
うまくいかないことへの不満を、コーチにすり替えようとしても、何も生み出さない事は、知っているつもりなのに。
投稿者 きょう 01:43 | コメント(92)| トラックバック(0)
いろんなコーチがいますよね～。
時々、これあなたのためのレッスンじゃないんだけどって言いたくなるコーチもいますね。
昨日のコーチは、きょうさんのことをかってるんじゃないですか？
だから厳しくしようとしてる？
次のレッスンは、気持ちいいレッスンになることを祈ってますよ～。
冷え切ってしまったので、少し鼻声です。とほほ
昨日のコーチは、見て、考えて、学べ！というタイプなので、本当に責めているのではないとは思うんですが、あまりに強い言葉で叱咤されると、凹んでしまうのもしかたないような気もして……
遠い地より、優しいお祈りを頂き、ありがとうございます。
元気が出たよ、前向きになります
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